home thoughts.

"By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?"

--- 1 Corinthians 3:10-16

I am struggling right now with the an overwhelming sense of homelessness. D.C. is still so transitory - it will be months before I settle in one place, and years before I start a family of my own. And I see those years stretching out in front of me. . . and I am forced to admit that I don't think I am ready to be a grown up yet. I still crave the familiar, the safe, the close-knit & the cozy. I miss my family & long for the automatic understanding I find with them. I have become wary of risks & heartbreak in a way that means I take no risks and have my heart broken anyway.

I have been telling myself that God should be my home. That home isn't a place or a person. That I should house my heart in the Lord. But I realized tonight that God isn't just my home: I should be His. How obvious! ". . . that we may evermore dwell in Him and He in us." And how much better that life would be. I have been so devoid of God lately, and it is misery, for myself and those around me. My pastor asked us today, "Is your life a place where people meet God? Are you a temple of God?" And I did not have to hesitate before thinking no, I am in no way a temple. My words, my actions, and my heart are nothing special, nothing sacred. I have been making a fool of myself in the most shameful way.

In short, I am profoundly broken.

But with His grace, I think my broken heart might become a home.